Yoanna Kollin came out — three times. At 12, she told her family she was queer. At 17, she told them she was nonbinary. At 20, she came out as transgender.
Through the years of navigating the mess and meaning of identity, there was a constant: her mother, Deb Engel.
Every time Yoanna, now 24, delved a little deeper into who she was, Deb congratulated her and asked what she could do to help.
“I always felt relieved when she opened up to me,” Deb said. “I could tell when something was bothering her, and I thought once she shared that something with me, her anxiety would go away.”
A longtime champion of her daughter, Deb got Yoanna to go to JQ’s teen groups. And then Deb got involved, serving on JQ’s board and attending educational trainings that gave her new insights into the lived experiences of queer people.
But even supportive parents like Deb — and more so parents struggling to understand — have to juggle their own emotions while being there for their LGBTQ+ child, whose day-to-day challenges may be new territory for them.
For all who hunger for instruction or understanding or relief from the fear of getting it wrong, JQ offers a series of free, virtual support groups and expert-led workshops and trainings. Made for parents of LGBTQ+ children, the programs recognize that when a child comes out to a parent, both lives change forever.
Heeding advice from a friend about change, Deb joined a JQ support group for family members of transgender and gender diverse youth, just as Yoanna started her transition process. She met with a small circle of parents over Zoom.
At the start, Deb questioned why she was there. As a mother who was already so supportive of her daughter, did she really need a support group? But as the conversations intensified, they gave her something that no other training or workshop had: a space that focused on her situation.
“All the parents, including me, were going through a divorce from a spouse who didn’t fully support their child,” Deb said. “This group was different because it was supportive of me. It was about the reality of not having a partner to support me and my daughter. It made me realize that I wasn’t alone.”
During one of the meetings, the facilitator brought in medical professionals to discuss the physical aspects of transition-related care.
“I wasn’t fully aware of everything that was going to happen during that process, so it was really helpful to hear professionals explain it to us in such a detailed, understandable way,” Deb said. “The support group overall was emotionally fantastic and gave me the safe space I needed at that time.”
Learning without judgement is the goal of all of the support groups, workshops, and trainings, noted Sidney Harrison, Director of Community Engagement at JQ.
“We want to provide a safe and affirming space where parents can express their fears and concerns without being accused of being transphobic or homophobic,” she explained. ”Most of their questions come from a place of wanting to protect their child and make sure their child is healthy and safe.”
Rebeka Small wants that for her son, LJ.
“Seeing LJ learn how his LGBTQ+ identity is connected to his Jewish identity was just priceless,” Rebeka said. “For these kids, to be told that they matter, and that all aspects of their identities matter, is crucial.”
LJ first discovered JQ in middle school, shortly after he decided to be openly queer at his Jewish day school. He began attending teen programming. Very quickly, JQ became his pillar of support.
After seeing the impact on him, Rebeka signed up for a JQ support group for parents of gender-diverse youth, seeking answers to some of the tough questions LJ would ask her.
“I walked into a room full of people who also felt unprepared and uninformed. We were flying blind together,” she said. “And now, there are a handful of people I can text if I have a question, need advice, or just want to be heard.”
The need for guidance is growing as queerphobia and antisemitism become greater threats. So often, raising an LGBTQ+ child goes beyond accepting their identity and morphs into a sort of preparation course, where parents must teach their children to live in a world that’s not always so welcoming.
To help them, JQ ran a four-part parent psychoeducation series called “Conversations That Matter.” Expert speakers covered topics like being neurodivergent and queer, talking to your LGBTQ+ teen about sexual health, and queerness within Judaism.
“Learning about the aspects of traditional Jewish sources that have trans imagery and the alternative kinds of Midrash was fascinating,” said Seth Weisberg, who attended the series to better support his child Noa, who’s non-binary. “Sometimes you hear of a traditional Jewish approach being negative towards people who don’t fit that gender binary, but actually, there’s such a rich tradition with so many different things in it. All you have to do is learn it.”
Making the effort to seek that education matters a lot, he added.
“Even if you make mistakes,” Seth said, “putting in the work to learn goes a long way.”
